


i guess it's a bear we all gotta cross

by carrieevew



Series: Bellarke Bingo [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bellarke Bingo, F/M, Firefighter Bellamy, Heated Argument, Hurt/Comfort, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Truth or Dare, old friends/crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-01-27 06:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21387604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrieevew/pseuds/carrieevew
Summary: "Is that's how it's gonna be now? We're just gonna act like nothing happened between us and you didn't run away the minute things started to get serious? Youleftme," he said, hating how emotional he must've sounded.Clarke's eyes snapped back to him, brow furrowed and she took a step closer. So much closer that he could smell her perfume--the same citrus scent she always wore. Bellamy swallowed but before he had the chance to decide if he should move away, she spoke."Is that what you think I did?"
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: Bellarke Bingo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1417291
Comments: 64
Kudos: 363
Collections: Bellarke Bingo





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [islabbe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/islabbe/gifts).

> 'kay, so. a while ago i received the prompt for "we dated years ago but haven't spoken since and you're new in town and our friends set us up on a date" for my fandom anniversary celebration. many, many moons have passed since then and i struggled with writing that but then! the [Bellarke Bingo Blast](https://bellarkebingo.tumblr.com/) round was announced, i saw the card and boom! inspiration struck. alas, i then blinked and the whole week was gone and i only had the chance to work on this today. it goes pretty much against my every instinct to start posting before the story is finished but i wanted to at least set up a foothold while the round was still on. and i'm hoping it will encourage not to mess around and finish.
> 
> the title comes from a quote from M*A*S*H (8x04) because i can't think of the Army without think of them.
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this!

“Uh huh, explain that to me one more time.”

Bellamy drummed his fingers on the coffee cup and squinted his eyes at Murphy, who was sitting on the other side of the booth, wearing his grease-stained apron and a fancy chef’s hat. Whoever would’ve thought that the man who was once given a choice to go to jail or join the Army would end up running Arkadia’s most popular and homiest diner.

Murphy leaned closer and rested his elbows on the table, stealing a chip from Bellamy’s plate.

“Emori met someone at work, apparently she’s new in town and doesn’t know anyone yet, so she invited her over for some drinks and we thought it might be good to introduce her to someone else, too.”

“Emori runs a delivery company with her brother. There’s no one else at work but them,” Bellamy countered flatly.

“Okay, so she met her _through_ work. Like that makes any difference,” Murphy said with a glare. “Anyway, her name’s Claire or something.”

“Great, so you haven’t even met her.”

“As if you would’ve trusted me more than Emori.” Murphy sent him a sour look. Bellamy blew a raspberry but nodded his head in acquiescence.

“Look, dude, it’s been over a year since you and Echo broke up and that would’ve been enough time to recover, even if you were much more heartbroken than you actually were,” Murphy said with an uncharacteristically soft expression.

“I’m not looking for anyone, Murphy,” Bellamy said with a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I wasn’t even looking for Echo, we just sort of—happened.”

“Yeah, I know. I remember that you still haven’t gotten over that nurse back then but still, you and Echo worked out well enough. And now what? You can’t tell me you’re still pining after that girl.”

“I’m not _pining_—”

“It’s been six years!”

“Thank you, Murphy, I noticed,” Bellamy snapped and Murphy raised his hands in defence but if the grimace on his face was anything to go by, he didn’t quite believe Bellamy’s protests.

Bellamy clenched his jaw. Sometimes he really wished Murphy hadn’t been present for every single one of the last ten years of his life. He was there when they were deployed to Afghanistan, when Bellamy got injured during training, and when he met the nurse taking care of him. Not to mention that he had the front row seats to them getting together and then the aftermath, after she suddenly left when he was away on a recon mission.

So, no, Bellamy was _not_ pining after anyone. He just never got closure.

Yup, that’s what that was.

“Look, I appreciate you and Emori trying to take care of my love life but I’m perfectly fine.”

“We’re not expecting you to marry that woman, you know,” Murphy huffed, “but basically all you do is work, or hang out with people _from_ work. Aside from Emori and I, you don’t have any company that isn’t related to you or paid to spend time with you,” Murphy argued, ignoring the stink eye that Bellamy sent him.

“All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t kill you to meet someone new,” Murphy said and reach over for the last chip from the plate, only for Bellamy to grab it first. ”Probably.”

Bellamy threw the chip at him.

***

Bellamy didn’t really expect to receive an actual invitation to Octavia’s wedding, it’s not like she didn’t tell him about it, but there it was—big and shiny, and written in that font his sister spent three days choosing while Niylah just chuckled quietly in the background with a soft glint in her eye.

And now he was staring at the RSVP card, with its _I will be bringing a date_ line staring blankly back at him.

Bellamy dropped to his couch with a deep exhale. It’s been a couple of weeks since Murphy mentioned Emori’s new friend and as much as Bellamy hated to admit it, he couldn’t help but keep thinking about her. Well, technically he was thinking more about how right Murphy was about his personal life but that usually led him right back to that woman.

When Bellamy was discharged from the Army five years ago, he joined the Arkadia Fire Department and ever since that, the members of his fire house became his second family. It was where Octavia met the paramedic to whom she was now getting married and it was how Murphy started his cooking career, preparing meals for everyone until he saved up enough to open up his own place.

For the most part, it was all the company that Bellamy needed but as he considered the wedding invitation, with its golden, embossed letters, there was no escaping the fact that there wasn’t one single person he considered a proper date for a wedding.

So yeah, Murphy probably was right and it wouldn’t be the worst idea to meet someone new and maybe, just maybe, consider inviting her.

Bellamy banged his head against the couch cushion and rolled his eyes. He was definitely getting ahead of himself but to be honest, that conversation with Murphy brought his relationship with Clarke back to the surface. If you could even call that a relationship, really. They spent barely six months together, actively avoiding the topic of defining whatever the hell they were doing. It started as one, steamy night, just to relieve the tension, then they just kept on sleeping together until one day, she went back home without a word of goodbye and no way for him to find her—and a broken fucking heart, because somewhere along the way, Bellamy started to fall in love with her.

He hadn’t even seen Clarke for six years now and yet, he still thought about her sometimes. There was just _something_ in the way that he felt when he was with Clarke, that he never felt again and sometimes, it did make him wonder if maybe that was the love of his life and he just lost her.

It wasn’t even about moving on because he did that. He built a new life for himself and his break up with Echo had nothing to do with that crazy notion he had and everything to do with the fact that they wanted different things is life. He wasn’t waiting for Clarke to magically drop into his life again after all this time but maybe it was time to do something more than just tell himself that he’s over her.

Bellamy dug out the phone from his jacket pocket and dialled Murphy’s number. He picked up after a couple of rings and if his pleased drawl was any indication, Murphy knew exactly what that call was about. Well, he was probably looking at his own invitation, after all.

“Do you remember that woman you tried to set me up with?” Bellamy asked and pursed his lips when he heard Murphy chuckling on the other side.

“You mean the one you were so absolutely not interested in?” Murphy asked but when only silence answered, he continued “She does ring a bell, yes. But just for the record, I was not setting you up, we were just willing to provide you with an opportunity to broaden your horizons and socialise outside of your circle.”

“Murphy—”

“Fine, fine. But you will actually have to say it,” he said with smugness just dripping off of every word.

Bellamy took a deep breath, wondering if it was possible to strangle someone over the phone.

“_John_, I would like to meet your new friend,” he finally said, trying very hard not to grind his teeth. Too much.

Never mind, though, because Murphy still cackled triumphantly.

“We’ll see you on Saturday,” he finally confirmed and when Bellamy ended the call, he was still laughing in his ear.

Yup. Bellamy was already regretting it.

***

It was a Saturday evening, the club was crowded, hot and way too loud, and Bellamy hated it. By the time he noticed Emori and made his way through all those drunken people, uselessly trying to shout over the music, he had already decided that he’s just gonna have one drink and then fake his way out of there by claiming he had an early shift. Maybe if he liked that woman, she’d be willing to grab a cup of coffee with him but there was so way he’d be able to stay in the club much longer without his brain bleeding through his ears.

Bellamy had a plan but then he saw the rest of the people at Emori’s table. The woman had her back to him so all he could he were her wavy, shoulder-length blond hair. Murphy, on the other hand, finally noticed him and the crazy smile he had on gave Bellamy pause when he reached them. That smile was never a good sign.

But then Emori saw him, too, and she started to wave him over with her gloved hand, the other one resting on the other woman’s arm as she spoke to her. And then, the woman laughed softly and even though he could barely hear her over the deafening music, he was able to recognise that laughter.

_He would recognise it everywhere_.

If Emori noticed that he grew roosts into the floor, she gave no indication. Instead, she pointed to him and the woman turned, smiling. And then, there she was. The woman he thought he’d lost for ever.

“_Bellamy_.”

He more saw her say his name, rather than hear it, but it still made him mouth dry.

Clarke’s smile grew as she jumped out of her seat and threw herself into his arms. It took him a moment to shake himself out of the shock but after a few long, long seconds, he put his arms around her. He dropped his forehead onto her shoulder, her warm body fitting his perfectly, like she never left.

Finally, Bellamy unwrapped himself from around her when he felt Clarke chuckle against his neck. He saw Emori’s slightly confused expression but before either he or Clarke had the chance to explain, Murphy stepped it.

“As I was about to say, Clarke was a nurse for a private contractor medical company when we were in Afghanistan.”

“Oh, you _were_ just about to say that, I’m sure,” Emori said, slapping his shoulder lightly. “You definitely didn’t keep changing the subject every time we started to talk about how you two met.”

Murphy shrugged, looking completely unapologetic and Bellamy chuckled involuntarily. Of course, Murphy went for the most dramatic reveal. But frankly, he couldn’t really care any less about Murphy right now, even if he tried. Not when Clarke had just grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the table. Not when she dropped onto the seat so close to him, that he could feel her thigh pressing against his leg. His hand dropped to the old scar that bought the two of them together in the first place and warmth pooled in his stomach when he saw the recognition in her eyes.

He ordered a beer when the waitress came by and then, before he knew it, he was on his third pint, listening to Clarke talk about her current job in the biggest hospital in Arkadia, and growing quite a bit annoyed.

Over the last six years, when he allowed himself to think about what would happen if they ever met again, he always thought that Clarke would explain to him why she never told him she was leaving and just slipped away while he was gone. But she didn’t do that now. She joked, and laughed, and talked about the time they all spent together like they were old high school friends at a reunion.

He had just enough clarity left to know that the alcohol wasn’t helping and a loud club, surrounded by other people wasn’t the right place to air their dirty laundry but he couldn’t help it. As happy as he was to see Clarke again, there was a bitter aftertaste that he couldn’t wash down.

His early plan to leave as soon as possible now forgotten, Bellamy didn’t even realise how long they stayed for, until Murphy said that he had a diner to open up in the morning and he and Emori left.

Bellamy’s head was swimming by now and he knew it wasn’t the right condition for him to be left alone with Clarke. He watched her when he announced that he was going home as well, but if she was disappointed, she gave no indication of it. Instead, she followed him outside, grabbing his hand so they wouldn’t get separated by the crowd that somehow only grew over the last few hours.

The cold air that rushed at them as they left the club sobered Bellamy up enough to notice that Clarke was still holding his hand, her thumb rubbing small circles over his knuckles. She led him slowly to the parking lot and he remembered that she offered to drive him home when he noticed she was only drinking water.

And all of a sudden, he couldn’t wait any longer. It was a bad, stupid idea, but he needed to know. He let go of her hand and stopped a few feet away from her car.

“Clarke,” he said, voice hoarse. She looked at him and the easy smile slipped away from her face. She looked away from him, blinking quickly and Bellamy gulped. She knew what was coming and she looked—hurt. It almost stopped him but there was no other way. If they ever wanted to have any sort of relationship, they needed to get it all out in the open.

“Is that's how it's gonna be now?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys haven't forgotten about this story just yet, seeing how it's taken me and age and a half to finish but now i'm finally done. updates will pop up every couple, three days.
> 
> enjoy!

"Is that's how it's gonna be now? We're just gonna act like nothing happened between us and you didn't run away the minute things started to get serious? You _left_ me," he said, hating how wrecked he must've sounded.

Clarke's eyes snapped back to him, brow furrowed and she took a step closer. So much closer that he could smell her perfume—the same citrus scent she always wore. Bellamy swallowed but before he had the chance to decide if he should move away, she spoke.

"Is that what you think I did?"

Bellamy shrugged.

"Well, one day I came back to base and you were gone, not even a post-it note left behind, and no-one even knew if you were coming back, until they just sent someone to replace you. What else should I think?" he said, crossing his arms over his chest to put some distance between them.

"That's not what I—" Clarke started sharply but stopped herself with a grimace. She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I didn't want to leave like that but my—something happened and I had to go back home right away."

Clarke clenched her jaw and took a deep breath. She ran her hand through her hair nervously and even through the cloud of alcohol, Bellamy recognised the pained but determined look in her eyes, like she was steeling herself to do something she really didn't want to. He scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.

Silence stretched between them for long enough that Bellamy started to think she won't say anything.

"Bell—“ she finally said but a loud shrill of some heave metal song interrupted her. Clarke scrambled to dig her phone out of her bag and answered the call without even checking who it was.

She turned around and lowered her voice but Bellamy still could hear scraps of the conversation. There was a nervous "what's wrong" and then a long, tired sigh as Clarke listened to the answer. Clarke ended the call with a clipped "I'll be right there" and Bellamy felt a pang of ridiculous hurt. Six years ago, she never cared if he listened in on her phone calls. Whenever her mother called her for their weekly catch-up, Clarke would tuck herself into his side and put the phone between her ear and his shoulder, so he was able to hear pretty much every word her mother said. Now, she moved away, like she didn't want him to intrude and it stung, even though he knew he had no right to feel like that.

The phone call couldn't have lasted more than a minute but when Clarke turned back around, there was a drastic change in her demeanour. Her back went rigid and she had that blank look in her eyes that meant she was desperately trying not to show her emotions.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go to—I have to be somewhere. Can you get home by yourself?" she asked stiffly, already digging through her purse for her car keys. She barely even waited for him to nod a confirmation before she jumped into her car and drove away.

Bellamy stared dumbly at her car and when it disappeared at the end of the street, he turned around and started the trek back to his house. He hoped that a brisk walk in the cool, night air would help him clear his head but no matter how much he tried to think about something else, he couldn't help but wonder if he just lost Clarke again.

***

Bellamy didn’t have a shift until Monday morning, so at least it was easy for him to avoid Murphy and his smirk for a little while longer. Well, at least until he came off his shift on Tuesday morning and went to the diner for an early breakfast.

Barely a few minutes after he sat down in his regular booth, Murphy sauntered over with his food all ready, as if he had been waiting for him. He placed the plate in front of Bellamy and dropped into the opposite seat.

Bellamy chased his scrambled eggs around the plate for a moment before shooting Murphy an annoyed look.

“Don’t you have anything better to do than watching me eat?”

“I like to make sure all my customers are satisfied with the service,” Murphy smirked.

Bellamy cocked an eyebrow but decided to ignore him and started shovelling his breakfast in. He was finishing his second cup of coffee when Murphy finally broke.

“So, how was it, seeing your princess after all this time?” he asked.

“Did you do this on purpose?” Bellamy huffed.

Murphy stretched his arms on the back of the booth.

“Nope, lucky coincidence,” he said with a grin. “How did it go after we left? Did you at least get her number or something?”

“It didn’t and I didn’t,” Bellamy grimaced. “We started talking about what happened, she got a phone call and ran so fast that the tarmac almost rippled after her. For all I know, she went back to her husband and five children.”

“I really don’t think she would’ve told Emori she was here alone if that were the case,” he countered.

Bellamy waved his hand in dismissal but Murphy answered with a disbelieving grunt.

“I’m not gonna chase after her after all this time.”

Murphy pursed his lips.

“Right. Because you don’t care about any of that anymore,” he said and smirked when Bellamy glared at him. “Wow, you’re even more brooding than usual.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes and Murphy stole his cup and drank the last of coffee with a cocky grin.

“You know, you own this place, Murphy, you can just get up and take some food. You don’t have to steal it from your customers.”

“Ah, but it’s so much more fun like that!” Murphy cackled.

The breakfast crowd gathered in the meantime and finally, Murphy stood up from the booth, heading back to the kitchen. He stopped by Bellamy’s seat and sent him an unexpectedly serious look.

“Finally, you’re both on the same continent again. You may as well talk to her and at the very least, get some closure.”

Bellamy let his head drop to the back of the booth and let out a tired breath.

Closure. That’s what he wanted.

Right?

***

The next couple of shifts were so busy that Bellamy hardly even had the chance to think about all that happened over the last week. The weather was getting colder and colder, and going from one clogged chimney to another had them all exhausted to the bone. Between that and then helping Octavia and Niylah move into their new apartment, Bellamy was falling flat on his face the moment he stepped over the threshold of his own home. Before he knew, a whole week had passed.

Compared to that, his first November shift was practically dull. So much so, that even the poker game he was playing with Miller, Roan and Harper couldn’t keep them from yawning.

When Niylah skipped in with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, they all looked up with interest but the pleased expression on her face gave Bellamy a pause.

She wiggled her finger at him, motioning him to get up.

“There’s a determined-looking woman waiting for you, lieutenant Blake,” she said and motioned him towards the front door with an overly dramatic wave of her arm. He sent her an unimpressed glare when he walked past her but didn’t bother asking who it was, Niylah was having way too much fun to reveal anything.

As he walked down the corridor, he realised that nearly the whole stationed followed a few steps after him. Bellamy snorted. They were all really bored. Even Chief Pike stepped out of his office and leaned against the door frame, watching the circus rolling getting out on the road.

Bellamy shook his head as he opened the door to the vestibule but the smile died on his lips when he saw that Clarke Griffin stood by the front door, bundled in a long, striped scarf and a wool hat, pink scrubs peeking out from under her jacket.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, some answers!

Clarke turned around when she heard Bellamy come in. She tucked a stray tendril of hair that came out of the small bun at the top of her head and sent him a small half-smile.

“Hi,” Clarke said with a tiny wave of her hand. Bellamy only nodded. She swallowed, ducking her head a tiny bit.

“Can we talk?” she asked.

Bellamy hesitated. All that not thinking about her over the last week meant that she caught him by surprise now. Did he even want to talk to her? Was there a point in scratching at that old wound after all this time, if he wasn’t even sure he wanted to have her back in his life? Or if she even wanted to be back in his life?

But then, she actually was here, right now and deep down, he knew that if he let her walk away now, he wouldn’t ever get the chance for that closure.

Bellamy looked behind him, where the entire company was watching. He looked over to Chief Pike who nodded an agreement before Bellamy even had the chance to ask. Miller tossed him his radio and Harper, who was leaning against Roan’s side, waved him good bye. He could’ve sworn that he heard Clarke giggle lightly and he fought the smile off of his face.

He motioned Clarke out of the station.

“So, what did you wanna—“ he started to ask the same time that Clarke suggested,

“Maybe we can go to the park?”

They walked quickly, in silence. Clarke looked like she was deep in thought and quite frankly, Bellamy had no idea what to say to her. They grabbed two coffees from the cart in the park, found a bench and—well, waited, apparently.

Bellamy watched as Clarke picked at the cardboard sleeve around her cup but not take one single sip from it. He could feel the nervous energy coming from her and found himself getting more on edge. That evening they spent together in the club with Murphy and Emori, they managed to have a somewhat easy conversation but now, with no one between them as a buffer and no hiding that they both knew what they were about to talk about, things got tense.

The silence stretched between them for long enough that Bellamy started to doubt if she’s ever start talking but at some point, Clarke shot a quick glance at him. She took a deep breath and looked straight ahead.

“The next day after you guys left for recon, I got a phone call from home,” she finally said and her voice dried out momentarily. Bellamy looked at her sideways and notice that her chin trembled a little, before she clenched her teeth and schooled her face back into a neutral expression that made him frown. Over the years, Bellamy came up with great many reasons why she left but admittedly, he always avoided thinking that it may have been as hard on her as it was for him. Somehow, though, he never considered that it may have actually been much worse for her.

Clarke cleared her throat.

“My parents were in a car accident and my best friend was with them, too. Wells only had a few cracked ribs and some bruises, and my mom broke her arm in a couple of places but by dad, he—they said that he swerved to avoid something on the road and they went over side and rolled down the slope. He hit his head on the door pillar and they pronounced him brain dead when they reached the hospital. He, um, he had a DNR signed and always said that the last thing he wanted was for us to watch him wither away, so my mother signed away his organs for donation. They only held out for long enough for me to come back and say goodbye.”

She sniffled and Bellamy felt his throat close. Clarke sent him a sad smile and he knew that she wasn’t done yet.

“My mom needed help after that, you know, so I stayed with her while she was in recovery. Her arm was never the same after that, though. And she used to be a surgeon, so that was—hard. It took her a long time to reconcile with the fact that she couldn’t operate anymore cause her hand would start shaking, so she focused on teaching, instead. For a while, I though it worked for her, but then I realised that she was just high.”

Clarke put the coffee cup on the table in front of her, the sleeve shred to pieces, the coffee untouched. Bellamy’s fingered dug into his own half-empty cup. He wanted to take her hand and show her some support but Clarke held them together in her lap instead, still not looking at him.

“My mother always liked to get a drink, you know. And I think I got so used to it that I didn’t realise until I grew up, that maybe she liked it a little too much. Besides, she always seemed to have it all under control; never drank during the day, never seemed hung-over—I guess she just knew how to hide it.”

Clarke finally looked at him. Her eyes were shiny from tears, her eyebrows creased. She bit her bottom and Bellamy’s hand tightened over the cup, creasing the cardboard. He wanted to say something but his mind was blank and besides, judging by Clarke’s expression, she wanted to get through her story before she completely broke down.

“You know, I used to blame Wells for that accident,” Clarke continued after a sigh. “My parents, Wells and his dad went to a gala together and he was supposed to film hid father’s speech for his mayoral campaign but he wanted to come back home earlier, so my dad offered to take him. And then, after dad died, all I could think about was that if he stayed or found his own way back home, my dad would be fine and my mother wouldn’t have become a drug addict. It didn’t really matter that I knew it wasn’t Wells’ fault, I still resented him.”

“I’m so sorry, Clarke,” Bellamy finally said, putting a hand gently over her forearm. Clarke grabbed his hand, her cold fingers closing tightly over his. Then she looked away from him and her face twisted into a sour expression.

“Do you wanna know the real kicker? I did find out what happened then and it wasn’t Wells’ fault after all.”

Bellamy looked at her in confusion. Clarke pursed her lips and sniffled. She let go of his hand to dig a tissue out of her pocket and wipe her nose. She started to fiddle with it, eyes focused on her hands.

“About a year after the accident, Wells finally had the guts to watch the video from that night. His camera was smashed to bits but he managed to save the memory card. I’m not sure what tempted me into watching it with him, but I did. Maybe I just wanted to see my dad again.” Her voice caught at the mention of her father. “Anyway, it started pleasantly enough—they were all dressed up, having fun. And then during the speech, Wells caught my parents in the background, arguing. He didn’t even notice, then. As it turns out, my mother was drunk and had been most of the day, cause she started at work. I think when Wells asked for a ride home, my dad jumped on the chance to take mom back. And then, even though Wells fell asleep in the car, his camera was still shooting. All we could see was the inside of his backpack but we could hear everything well enough.”

“They were fighting again. About how she was getting out of control, drinking while she was on call at the hospital—about how she was endangering her patients. Wells told me that he woke up when he heard my mother shouting and always thought that it was because my dad swerved but as it turned out, dad said that she needed help, she started shouting, grabbed the steering wheel and that’s what caused the accident.”

Bellamy sat up, stunned into complete silence but when Clarke started crying, he gathered he put his arm around her and tugged her into a hug. She buried her face into his jacket, her hands clenching onto his sleeve. She breathed deeply and collected herself. Clarke straightened up but didn’t move away from Bellamy and he didn’t let go of her, either. Maybe it wasn’t good for him to let himself get close to her like that without actually resolving anything but there was no way he would let go of her right now.

Clarke looked up at him.

“After I saw that video, I couldn’t even look at my mother, so I decide to move away from her. Like I said, back then, she seemed fine. And I didn’t realise that she became addicted to her pain killers after the surgery. I took my bags and she OD’d,” she swallowed and looked down at his knees. “For the first time. The last five years have been difficult.”

Bellamy hugged her again and when he felt her sniffling in the crook of his neck, a few tears rolled down his own face. He wasn’t sure, though, if it was more from sympathy for her or anger at himself. There he was, feeling sorry for himself because a girl left him, and at the same time, her entire world fell apart and she had to face it all by herself.

He rubbed his hand down Clarke’s back and while she slowly calmed down in his arms, Bellamy felt every ounce of left-over resentment for her drain out of him.

Clarke sat up and wiped the tears from her face. Her eyes were red and some of the tears still lingered on her eye lashes but she still looked as beautiful as always.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy,” she said in a weak voice. He started to shake his head but Clarke put her hand on his cheek. Bellamy took a breath, inhaling the scent of her perfume and it made his head spin.

“Yes, I am sorry and I have to say that to you. You deserved better than getting left behind the way I did. I should’ve at least found a way to say good-bye.”

Bellamy covered her hand with his own and he felt her thumb brush his cheek.

“I was angry, yes. And disappointed. But I don’t want to feel like that anymore. You’re forgiven,” he assured her. Clarke smiled at him.

“I’m sorry about last week, too. That phone call was my mom. She had her licence taken after a DUI a couple years ago and she needed to be picked up from her AA meeting cause she missed her last train back home.”

"She's coming all the way to Arkadia for that?" Bellamy asked before he could stop himself. It was an incredibly invasive question and he knew that but he couldn't help it; it just seemed excessive to travel all this way for something that Clarke's mother surely had access to back home. His penny-pinching days may be behind him now but they left a sense of frugality he would probably never move past.

Bellamy fully expected Clarke to ignore him at best, but she nodded her head instead and judging by her expression, she wasn't about to yell at him to mind his own business.

"Yeah, she's got a therapist here, too. Mom said that she wouldn't have be comfortable back in Polis, being treated by people who used to work with her, so we found someone here, and a good group, too. It's a not a long train ride and she says that it's good to get away sometimes.

"I really am sorry about running away like that but I promised her that she could always call me if she needed help and when she did, she—I don't know, she sounded off, so I didn't want to leave her alone too long," Clarke added hurriedly but Bellamy shook her head lightly and tried for a reassuring smile.

“It’s okay, Clarke, it really is,” Bellamy told her decidedly. “If there’s one thing I understand, it’s dropping everything for someone you love.”

Clarke nodded her head lightly in understanding. They had many nights over there, when they laid wrapped in each other, talking about their families, friends, childhoods. Anything to forget that they were in the middle of the war and to avoid talking about their relationships. He told her about things he did for and because of his sister that he never told anyone before or after. And given how Clarke talked about her family, he couldn’t even imagine how much her mother’s addiction must’ve blindsided her.

Clarke looked like she wanted to say something else but again, her phone interrupted her. This time the melody was calmer and quieter, and she didn’t jump on it but she still grimaced when she saw the caller ID.

“Your mom?”

“My work,” she said before answering the call. Judging by her tone, Bellamy figured there wasn’t an emergency but when the call ended, Clarke still moved away from his hold and they both got up from the bench. She looked back at him, face open and vulnerable.

“You think we could start over again?” she asked, hopefully.

“’Course, princess,” Bellamy said, causing Clarke to let out a surprised, watery laughter. She dropped her gaze onto her shoes but he could still see the tiny small on her face.

Clarke picked up the coffee cup from the table but made no move to throw it away. Bellamy raised an eyebrow.

“You can’t possibly tell me you’re still going to drink this! It’s cold. It’s awful!” he admonished. Clarke snorted and as if to prove a point, took a long swig from the cup.

“It’s coffee. And I’ve still got six more hours on my shift. I ain’t looking the gifted horse in the coffee cup,” she said, walking away from him and Bellamy laughed loudly. He jogged up to join her and kept on laughing when she hip-checked him.


	4. Chapter 4

Bellamy had to admit to himself that starting over with Clarke felt quite surreal at first.

He knew intimate details about her that he never even dreamt to know about any other of his friends but he also had no idea who she was when she wasn’t running after soldiers twice her size, scalding them for not staying hydrated enough. Or elbow-deep in blood and drunk out of her mind after she finished assisting on a twelve-hour surgery and still didn’t know if her patient would keep their limbs or even survive.

He had no idea that Clarke preferred getting slowly buzzed on cider, that she loved karaoke and had a really great voice, or that on Sundays, she didn’t wake up until noon—but then, whenever he wasn’t on shift, she’d come to pick him up for brunch at Murphy’s.

It wasn’t even just about those six years that they spent apart, although they certainly changed her. She never seemed like one to make friends easily and even though she fit with his group quite nicely, she was even more reserved than before. It probably didn’t help that he would sometimes catch Harper or Miller looking at him and Clarke with uncertainty, suspicion even, when they saw Clarke sitting right next to him and put her head in his shoulder or if she looped her arm around his when they walked somewhere. And he knew that sometimes, Clarke noticed that, too. It always made her back stiffen and move away from him a little.

Not that he could blame his friends, either. He never liked to talk about his time in service at all and even less about the unexpected source of heartbreak that was his relationship with Clarke and whenever he did talk about it, it wasn’t exactly fondness that coloured his stories. In some way, he appreciated that they cared about him enough to be wary but then, it was a little ridiculous that it seemed as though he managed to forgive Clarke faster than they did. And the last thing he wanted was for Clarke to feel unaccepted.

And then, there was Murphy. The only person, in his own dramatic words, to actually be there to pick up the tiny pieces that Bellamy apparently fell to after her disappearing act. Yet of all his friends, he ended up being the most welcoming—once he grilled her on her intentions. For all that Clarke and Murphy used to have a love-hate relationship that often ran openly belligerent, they now announced that they were good and that was that.

Introducing Clarke to Octavia, though, that was hard. The last Clarke knew of his sister, she ran away from home the minute she turned 18 and hadn’t even spoken to her brother the whole time he was oversees, angry and feeling like he’d abandoned her after their mother’s death. Clarke never had the chance to find out that after Bellamy came back home for good, his sister reached out and they started on the slow and painful road to reconciliation. And he couldn’t help but remember how many times he wished he had Clarke to talk to during that.

Seeing Clarke and Octavia together now gave him the chance to look back at his relationship with his sister and realise just how much both he and Octavia changed and grew over the years—and to really appreciate the fact that they managed to mend that relationship.

It really was a strange reversal of fortune that between him and Clarke, he was now the one with a big and crazy but loving family while she struggled with holding what was left of hers together. Especially since Bellamy realised a that aside from him and an occasional visit from Wells, Clarke was mostly alone with this. Her mother lost most of her friends and family members when the hospital board found out about her addiction and she was fired. She hadn’t been able to find a steady job since then and they were having financial problems serious enough that Clarke was practically forced to move to Arkadia to take a new job at the surgery ward of the busiest hospital in the city that offered good pay and benefits but also ran her to the ground with exhaustion.

At the beginning, it was hard to see Clarke dead tired after a weekend-long shift and worried that her mother was all alone back in Polis because she refused to leave her home and move with her daughter.

But then, over the next few months that Clarke spent hanging out with him and her new friends, he noticed that she finally started to relax – a little bit more with each day. Especially since Abby announced that not only did she found a job tutoring med students but also started dating someone. it was especially wonderful when Clarke came back after a two-weeks long holiday around Christmas and New Year, and threw herself laughing into Bellamy’s arms the moment he stepped into Murphy’s diner that Sunday after her return.

It was equally alarming for Bellamy to realise, as he closed his arms around her at let out the long breath that he was holding the whole time she was gone, that it very much looked like he was falling for her all over again.

***

January turned into February without Bellamy even noticing. The winter wasn’t as harsh as it used to be in the past but it still kept them busy enough. At least the weather meant that he was regularly treated to Clarke wrapped all the way to her nose in scarves and jumpers, grumbling about how much she hated snow.

He was almost surprised that he didn’t figure out before that Clarke wouldn’t like winter. Back at the base, she may have applied the sunscreen almost religiously and avoided the harsh desert sun as much as possible but she was also the one to complain about the temperature the least. And now, Bellamy couldn’t wait for the Arkadia summer and for the chance to see her in a sundress.

But in the meantime, it was still the middle of February, the whole town was painted candy pink in preparation for Valentine’s Day and Murphy’s diner felt like the only safe haven. He refused to decorate mostly out of spite but Bellamy knew that not organising anything special for the occasion had the added bonus of them being able to close the place at the regular hour and Murphy could spend the evening with Emori.

The morning before Valentine’s, Bellamy was meeting Clarke at Murphy’s for a breakfast after their respective shifts. When she came in and unwrapped herself, there were a couple of paper hearts pinned to her scrubs. Clarke checked herself when she noticed the amused look at his face and unpinned one of the hearts.

“The kids from paediatrics went crazy today,” she explained with a smile. “I think one of the girls is going back home tomorrow and she’s taking her art supplies with her, so obviously, they had to make them all today.”

“I can see that you’re extra popular,” Bellamy laughed.

“Ha! I was just there in passing, you should’ve seen the regular nurses at paeds, they looked like they rolled through a greetings card factory. Why, you jealous?” Clarke levelled him with a playful grin. Bellamy chuckled lightly and she reached over the table to pin the hart to the collar of his jacket.

Bellamy felt his cheeks grow warm. He opened his mouth but nothing came out when he saw the soft smile on her face. He was stunned. And apparently quiet for too long because the smile slipped off of her face and she wriggled in her seat nervously for a moment, before Bellamy reached for her hand and gave her fingers a light squeeze.

“Thank you,” he said and smiled when he saw the corners of her mouth twitched upwards.

He didn’t get the chance to say anything more though because Murphy’s new waitress Gina came to the table and asked for their order.

“I can see that you guys are celebrating early,” she said, pointing out the heart with her pen.

“Oh, that’s all Clarke and her admirers,” Bellamy jerked his head towards Clarke and he was happy to see her shoulders shake in a silent laughter.

Gina nodded her head at Bellamy.

“So, you got any plans for tomorrow?” she asked.

“Not really, just some errands to run but mostly, I’m just gonna sleep this shift off. It’s been ages since I’ve had the whole weekend free.”

He looked back at Clarke, who stayed quiet the whole time.

“Which reminds me, Octavia wants me to drive her to some flower warehouse and she wanted me to ask if you wanna come with us; apparently, I don’t have the sense for the aesthetics,” he said. Clarke nodded her agreement and huffed a little, shaking her head with an incredulous look on her face.

Bellamy heard Gina shift on her feet and he looked back at her, embarrassed that he almost forgot she was still there.

“Sorry, what about you?” he asked quickly.

“Not much. I’m not working till the weekend, so I’m probably just gonna relax, too,” Gina answered and straightened up, taking a step away from the booth. “Anyway, I’ll be back with your food in a minute.”

Bellamy watched her leave for a moment before turning back to the table and there was Clarke, smirking at him and shaking her head with disbelief.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she said with feigned innocence and shrugged. “It’s just nice to see that some things haven’t changed and you’re still bad with people.”

Bellamy looked at her with a eyebrows furrowed but the sour expression didn’t stay on his face for long and when she chuckled at him, he crumpled a napkin and threw at her, hitting her on the shoulder. Clarke glared with mock outrage, took the napkin and when Bellamy snorted, she threw it back at him, only it fell short and landed at the table.

By the time Gina came back with their coffees, they were both laughing so hard, there were tears in Bellamy’s eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Roan's annual March equinox party had been a tradition for years before Bellamy joined the Fire Department and even though the man waxed poetic about the symbolism of spring and rebirth, it wasn't long into the first one Bellamy attended that he figured out it was mostly just an excuse to get plastered and take the first dip in Roan's pool of the year.

It was a bit of a surprise for Bellamy to find out that Clarke and Roan knew each other from the childhood she spent in some hoity-toity country club, considering then ten years of age difference between them but it did end up bringing him nearly to tears, when Clarke started telling him stories about how she, at that wicked age of 13, used to run around cock-blocking Roan every chance she could find. He was much less surprised when she offered Roan to help him with organising the whole shindig. Even as busy as she was on a daily basis, she still wanted to help.

As per usual, the party took place on whichever Saturday wasn’t followed by a shift for the fire-fighters, seeing how they usually needed the longest to sober up. Not that it mattered much for Bellamy this time. He had a doctor’s appointment on Monday to check out his knee that’s been giving his trouble since he had to jump out of a mezzanine window with a kid on his back, and he preferred to be well-rested for that.

And as an added bonus, he got to experience Monty and Jasper’s karaoke repertoire in all of it tone-deaf glory.

Bellamy was currently trying not to choke to death on laughter during a desperately dramatic rendition of _My Heart Will Go On_, when he noticed Clarke at the entrance, greeting Gina. The two of them grabbed something to drink and walked over to him, laughing when Jasper murdered a particularly high note.

They reached him by the time the song reached its much-appreciated finish and the duo was chased off the stage for an even more appreciated break.

“Wow, I always knew you first responders lead dangerous lives but I never expected that the worst damage y’all do to each other,” Gina joked, which earned her a snort from Bellamy and a loud belt of laughter from Clarke. Bellamy shot her an amused look.

“How much have you had to drink?” he asked, laughing, and Clarke slapped his arm lightly, twirling on her toes as she turned to face him.

“Give me a break, I’m just happy. It’s a party!” she exclaimed and threw her hands in the air, nearly spilling the contents of her cup all over her head.

The rest of the crowd answered her with a loud _whoop_ and a toast but Bellamy couldn’t be bothered to listen to what they were toasting, he was too busy staring at Clarke with a goofy grin on his face. Her cheeks were red from excitement and whatever booze she drank, and she was the loveliest thing he’d ever seen in his entire life.

Bellamy looked away when Clarke caught him staring but he still noticed that she turned even more red, as she looked down into her cup, letting her hair cover her face.

“For the record, though, this is just my second beer,” she told him, looking up from the cup again. “My mom’s coming for a visit tomorrow.” Her smile waned and Bellamy’s shoulders dropped. Things between Clarke and her mother hadn’t been great over the last few weeks. She didn’t go into the details of what exactly was the problem but judging by how many extra shifts she’d been picking up lately, it was a safe bet that money had something to do with it.

Bellamy cleared his throat and seeing Clarke’s face clouding over ever so slightly, he was eager to find some way of distracting her. He looked over to Gina who looked at the two of them with amusement.

“So, Gina,” he started, catching her attention. “How do you know Roan?”

“I don’t actually, Clarke invited me to the party,” she nodded her head at Clarke, who took a swig of her beer and wiggled her eyebrows.

“Of course she did.”

“What can I say, the more, the merrier, don’t you think, Bell?” Clarke said. She put her arms around Bellamy and Gina pushing them closer together. There was a teasing smile dancing on her face and looking him straight in the eye, she jerked her head in Gina’s direction. Subtle, she was not.

Bellamy felt his stomach drop. After all those months spent getting to know each other anew and growing closer with each day, Bellamy now knew for sure that he’d fallen for her all over again. And every once in a while, when Clarke fell asleep on his shoulder after a long shift or showed up at the firehouse with a lunch and a kiss to his cheek, he thought that she may had done as well. But since she never said anything nor pushed things further, he kept quiet.

Maybe he should’ve said something after all, he thought, because now it seemed that she was trying to play matchmaker.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a very lonely microphone on that—let’s generously call it a stage. And it’s calling my name.”

Bellamy watched her saunter off to the karaoke machine. She grabbed Harper on her way for back up and the two of them performed a truly impressive rendition on _Everybody Needs Somebody to Love_, with Clarke recreating as much of the Blues Brothers’ choreography as she could. He couldn’t stop smiling the whole time she sang. A few months ago Clarke decided that starting over meant sharing their favourite movies, so they did what they could to set up a movie night whenever they had he time and when she put one Blues Brothers movie after another, Bellamy ended up watching her more than the movies, especially after she spent half of the time singing along and the other half telling him about the things she loved about them. For him, it was still a toss-up between blowing up the white supremacists’ arsenal and Clarke saying that Carrie Fisher with a flamethrower was who she wanted to become when she grew up.

He was so focused on Clarke and Harper’s performance that he didn’t notice Gina laughing lightly and shaking her head to herself.

When the song ended and Clarke disappeared somewhere in the crowd, Bellamy turned back to Gina but the conversation between them didn’t really stick anymore. At some point, Monty and Jasper came by to swipe Gina off for drinks and Bellamy could see that she left without regret.

***

It was well past midnight and Bellamy was ready to call it a night when Roan called everyone to the pool for a swim. Bellamy stayed behind on the terrace and watched with amusement as his friends jumped in, shrieking at the touch of the cold water.

He heard someone coming up from behind him but didn't look away from the pool until Clarke stood at his side, elbows resting on the railing. He looked at her sideways and the small, peaceful smile she had on made him desperately happy. He'd always known that it wasn't easy for Clarke to open up to people, even the ones she cared about and sometimes, it made people think she was stuck-up, supercilious even. Hell, he used to think that after the first time they met. It wasn't until a while later, that she lowered her guard and Bellamy was able to see how caring, loyal and fun she could be. And now, seeing how seamlessly she seemed to fit in with their friends and how cheerful she could be around them, he was glad. No matter what might happen between them, if only she will stay this happy, he'll take it.

Clarke was giggling at his side, leaning into him more and more. Her cheeks were flushed from cold and alcohol, and the warmth radiating off of her body was electrifying. When everyone jumped out of the pool and ran back to the house to warm up. Clarke stepped away from the railing and turned around to look at him.

"I saw you talking to Gina," she said with a small, teasing smile.

"Well, you practically shoved her into my arms, it would've been rude not to."

Clarke looked at him for a moment.

"I think she really likes you," she said slowly, like she was trying to gauge his reaction.

"I like her, too. She's great."

Clarke's face fell a bit, just for a second before she managed to school her expression but it never came back to the delight he saw before.

"What's wrong?" he finally asked, getting just a little bit confused. A few hours ago she seemed perfectly fine setting him up with Gina, even if he probably didn't respond quite as enthusiastically as she may have expected. So why would she be disappointed now, when he agreed with her?

Clarke laughed lightly and looked at him with a crooked smile.

"I really wish you could've been drinking tonight. You're way too perceptive when you're sober," she says with a huff but the jokes fell a little flat, and so did her smile.

"Clarke,"

She shook her head weakly.

"Clarke, I do like Gina, sure," Bellamy says. Clarke looked away with a gulp and he quickly continued. "Clarke, Gina's really cool but I'm not interested. Not in her, anyway."

Clarke's head snapped back to him, her face lighting up. Bellamy came closer to her and put his hand on her arm, dragging it up, up towards her neck. He brushed his thumb over her throat and a chill went up his spine when he felt her gasp under his fingertips. Finally, he moved his hand to cover her cheek. The air between them felt heavy and Bellamy's fingers twitched against the soft skin of Clarke's face when he felt her grabbing his hand, hanging uselessly against his side.

Bellamy moved in even closer, intertwining his fingers with Clarke's. He angled her face up and he could feel her breath on his face. Inch by inch, they moved closer together until his lips were but a breath away from hers. He brushed the softest of kisses onto her lips, and for the briefest of seconds, he felt her kiss him back but then, she stepped away, biting her lip. Clarke let go of his hand and backed away, letting his hand fall away from her face.

Clarke hugged her arms around herself, shielding herself from a sudden gust of wind that brushed the fair out of her face, and Bellamy could see the broken look she had in her eyes. His heart tightened, expecting the coming rejection.

"I don't want to rush into things again, Bellamy," she said with pain in her voice, not looking at him. Bellamy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as deep as he could with his chest tightened.

When he opened his eyes again, Clarke was still turned away from him and with her arms around herself, she looked so small and vulnerable. Bellamy wanted to go to her, to hold her and tell her that it's okay, that he understood. He wanted to say that he loved her no matter what and if all she wanted was his friendship, then he'd gladly give her that.

But he couldn't. His legs felt heavy, like they were made of lead and his mouth was dry. Blood rushed in his ears and he almost missed it, when she spoke again.

"Last time, we jumped in head first and we never even stopped to think about what we were doing." She huffed tiredly. "We never even stood a chance."

There was a bitterness in her voice that caused Bellamy's heart to skip a beat. He looked at her back, bent in on itself and now, he felt his heart break just a bit. For all those years, at least the time they spent together back in Afghanistan remained untouched. On his worse days, Bellamy wondered if she ever cared about him as much as he had about her. He doubted a great many things but he never thought that she regretted what they had. But looking at her now, he couldn't shake the thought that that was exactly what happened. That the reason she never reached out to him after, the one thing he didn't dare ask about, was that she wanted to forget all about it.

Silence stretched between them while he just stood there, still as a statue when finally, Clarke turned around again. She breathed a couple of quick breaths in, like she was bracing herself.

"I want to do this right this time, Bellamy," she said softly.

He had to blink once, twice, three times before his eyes were able to focus on her and what she said registered in his brain. The tiniest of smiles bloomed on her face but it was so unsure and it disappeared when he didn't answer.

"If that's what you want, too." Clarke told him, already backtracking. "I mean, I understand if you wouldn't—"

Bellamy's legs finally started working again and he crossed the distance between then in two strides. He grabbed her hand, brought it to her mouth and placed a brief kiss on her knuckles. Her fingers were ice cold, so he closed her hand in his.

"I do want that," he assured her. "And I think you're right, too. We met under insane circumstanced and we got carried away by the situation." He sighed. She _was_ right. There was no denying that what happened to them was crazy and borderline reckless. And that was on both of them.

"But now we can take things as slowly as we need to, so we don't fuck it up again, right?"

"Bell, you didn't—" Clarke jumped in with determination and something warm tugged at his heart.

"Neither did you." Clarke shook her head but he didn't give her the chance to protest again. "I understand what happened and why you left like you did, I do. And like I told you before, you're forgiven, I promise. Clarke, I get it. I didn't exactly make the best choices after my mom died, either."

Clarke's fingers twitched in his hand and she smiled softly.

"Okay then," she breathed.

"So." Bellamy cleared his throat. "Here's an innovative idea. How about a date?"

Clarke hummed, mulling it over but if she was trying to look pensive, it failed when she grinned at him.

"Fresh, ingenious. Radical, even," she said and giggled.

"Is that kid from your ward still studying for the SATs?" Bellamy asked and she started laughing. And kept on laughing, even as he pulled her in for a tight hug.

***

Finding the time for that date wasn't exactly the easiest. Their schedules were already hard enough to plan around, even without Clarke's extra shifts and the light PT that Bellamy's doctor recommended for his knee. But then, one day Clarke called to tell him that she managed to make reservations at 8 for this cute Italian place they discovered a few weeks earlier and that was that. He had a date with the girl he was in love with. His best friend. The woman who broke his heart only to come back into his life out of nowhere, when he least expected it.

To say he was anxious was quite an understatement. He was buzzing with nervous energy from the moment he woke up on the day of their date. So much so, that when finally broke, got ready and left for the restaurant, he ended up arriving almost twenty minutes early.

Bellamy stayed in his car, drumming up a nervous solo on his steering wheel that would put Keith Moon to shame, until it was time and then walked up to the restaurant, where they were supposed to meet. He paced in front of the door for a few minutes but when Clarke still hadn’t turned up, he peaked inside the restaurant, thinking that maybe she was inside already but he couldn’t see her anywhere.

It was nearly twenty past 8 when he started to get really worried. He could understand traffic or problems with finding a parking spot but this was a little too long for that. And in either case, Clarke was usually very punctual and if she were late, she called. But now, she wasn’t even picking up the phone and after his fifth call rang all the way to voicemail, he became seriously worried.

Bellamy went back to his car, ready to drive—somewhere, anywhere, just so that he could find her and make sure that she was okay but he had no idea where to look. He slammed the door in frustration and dialled her number again.

And then another thought popped into his head. About how the reason why she was late and why she wouldn’t pick up the phone had nothing to do with her being in trouble and everything to do with her simply deciding not to come.

Bellamy fumed as he started the car but he didn’t pull away from the curb just yet.

Fucking hell, he did owe her some benefit of the doubt. Until he talked to her and found out what happened, it wasn’t really fair to just assume she just ditched him again. Rationally, he knew that. But it didn’t stop his blood boiling in anger.

He let out a deep breath and drove away, to Clarke’s apartment. Might as well start there.


	6. Chapter 6

When Bellamy reached Clarke’s building and saw that all the lights were on in her apartment, a head-spinning mixture and relief and anger washed through him. Sure, he was glad that she wasn’t laying in a ditch somewhere but fuck, if she wasn’t gonna show up for their date, she could’ve at least fucking called him.

When he crossed the street, he noticed Clarke’s car parked across two spots with one of the wheels actually on the pavement and he faltered for a second. With all Clarke’s complaining about people parking like assholes and the few car trips he made with her, it jumped out at him that it very much wasn’t like her to be so inconsiderate but damn, this wasn’t exactly the only thoughtless and selfish thing she did that night.

Bellamy reached the front door of her building and eyed the busted intercom. He leaned against the door and shoved. The door gave way without much protest, as it always did, and Bellamy cursed under his breath, as he always did. He hated that Clarke had to live in this crappy building with zero security because that was the best she could afford and he hated even more how nonchalant she was about it.

Bellamy jogged past the ancient elevator and towards the stairs. He ran the three stories up, taking two steps at a time and the quicker the blood raced through his body, the more pissed off he got. At Clarke, for sure, because after everything, she could’ve at least done the decent thing and let him know that she changed her mind about going out with him. But mostly at himself, for believing that this time, things could be different. For thinking that someone who ditched him without a though moved on from him so easily the first time would have any scruples about doing it all over again.

For giving his heart away to this girl and allowing her to break it all over again.

He clenched his jaw when he reached Clarke’s floor and stalked down the corridor but stopped short when he reached her apartment. The door to her place was left wide open and her bag laid on the floor, the contents strewn around it. Bellamy walked in slowly and as quietly as possible, his hand already reaching for the phone in his pocket, ready to call the police. He looked around the front room and was tempted to reach over to the kitchenette to grab a knife, when he heard noises coming from her bedroom. And then a second later, Clarke barrelled out of there, carrying an half-full travel bag with her.

She didn’t even notice that Bellamy was there, she was too busy picking up clothes from around the room and stuffing them into the bag.

Somewhere in the back of Bellamy’s mind, it registered that she was dressed to the nines—in a dark red cocktail dress with deep cleavage and crazy high heels that made her legs look like they could go on for miles. It looked like once upon a time, her hair was probably twisted into some artful half up-do but right now, it was all coming apart. She still looked absolutely beautiful, though.

None of it mattered, though, because Bellamy was fuming. She was running away again.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” he yelled at her, finally, and Clarke turned around to look at him so quickly, that he was almost surprised that she didn’t fall.

“You’re just gonna leave without a word again?” he continued, not bothered by the fact that she stayed quiet, not even noticing that she looked like she was about to pass out. “Don’t you think you owe me at least a little bit of courtesy? I mean, after all, it was your brilliant idea to do this whole thing again and now what? We’re about to start taking things seriously, so naturally, that’s your cue to bail like a coward?”

Bellamy stopped shouting, his chest heaving and hands shaking. He took a few deep breaths and really looked at her. And then he realised that something was _wrong_.

It wasn’t just the fact that Clarke had taken all that shit from him without a word. He could’ve believed that she felt guilty enough that she let him yell at her as much as he needed to.

It wasn’t even the mess and the carelessness with which Clarke seemed to have carried herself that whole time.

It was that single tear that rolled down her cheek, her trembling lip and the way her hands were clenched on the bag strap, like it was the only thing that was still keeping her together.

Bellamy crossed the room in few long strides. When he reached Clarke, he noticed that her eyes were brimmed with tears and she was shaking her head ever so slightly.

“Clarke,” he said quietly. He put his hand on her forearm and it was like a spell had been broken. She collapsed into his arms, nearly bringing them both down. Bellamy wrapped his arms around her, doing his best to hold her up while she started shaking, her fingers clutching desperately at his shirt.

Bellamy ran his fingers through her hair and guided her head up so he could look her in the eyes and the grief he saw in them took his breath away.

“Clarke, what happened?”

She took a couple of shuddering breaths, trying to calm herself down.

“It’s my mother,” she said between loud gasps. Bellamy felt his blood freeze. Shit. Did that mean—?

Clarke wiped the tears pooling in her eyes.

“The hospital in Polis called, she OD’d again and one of her students found her. They pumped her stomach but she’s still unconscious. They don’t know what she took or how long she was laying there like that, or even if she—“ she cut herself off suddenly and Bellamy felt sick to his stomach. He rubbed his hands down her arms but didn’t know what else to do for her.

“I have to go there,” she said and heaved a breath. “I need to—“

“Clarke, you can’t drive,” Bellamy interrupted her. Clarke ripped herself away from him.

“Bell, I _have to_! I can’t just stay away,” she insisted and turned around to grab her bag.

“I know that! But Clarke, you can barely stand, you cannot possibly drive all the way up to Polis!” he reached for her hand and held it gently until she looked back at him. “I’m gonna take you."

“You don’t have to—“ Clarke gasped. She shook her head and dropped her forehead to his shoulder. “Thank you,” she murmured into his neck. He put his arms her and rocked her slowly from side to side.

“Come on, you can change and I’ll get your things,” he said leading her towards the bedroom. Bellamy watched while she gathered some clothes and went to the bathroom. He heard the water running and it snapped him into action. He packed up Clarke’s bag and took her jacket with him. He had just dug her phone from between couch cushions when she came out of the bedroom, wearing a sweater and a pair of leggings. Her face was scrubbed off of make-up and her eyes were red.

She stopped in front of him.

Bellamy took her hand again and squeezed lightly.

“Hey, I’m sorry for blowing up like that,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have—“ he swallowed thickly, feeling awful. Clarke nodded and wrapped her fingers around his, giving him a tiny squeeze back, which meant that he was finally able to breathe again.

He handed her bag and phone to her while he carried her baggage with him. They left the apartment without another word and got into Bellamy's car. She programmed the hospital’s address and after five minutes on the motorway, she was asleep, her hand hanging over the hand break and onto his seat. He took it and gave her a soft squeeze before placing it gently onto her lap.

***

The hospital staff gave them the stink eye when Clarke burst past the reception desk and went straight to the ICU but luckily, no one stopped them. Clarke had been a woman on a mission from the moment she jumped out of the car in front of the hospital but judging by the look on her face, Bellamy suspected that the moment she slowed down, even for a breath, she would fall apart.

He stayed close to Clarke as long as he could. She deflated visibly when the doctor said that Abby had woken up in the meantime but was sleeping now and that it seemed that she would be okay. Clarke grabbed his hand when the doctor talked to her about the prognosis and recommended further treatments, and only let go of him when a nurse handed her paperwork to fill out.

Clarke didn't even say a word while she wrote down all of her mother's information. There was an efficiency with which she did it that made him wonder exactly how often did she have to do it, if she was able to remember information about her mother that he couldn't even remember about himself.

They stayed silent after she had finished. Clarke sat on the chair next to his, her knee fidgeting. Bellamy wanted to say something but nothing worthwhile came to mind. Obviously, she wasn't fine and he doubted there was anything that he could do, so he just stayed there, hoping that just having someone with her would be enough. When a nurse came up to them, Clarke grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly and froze, until she was told that she could go and see her mom.

Bellamy stayed behind in the waiting area and the hour that he'd spent there, felt like the longest in his whole life. His mother died of and peritonitis caused by a perforated ulcer and as devastated as he was, it was at least a small comfort that she simply didn't wake up after the surgery that was supposed to repair it. It didn't stop him from blaming himself for not insisting that she'd go to the doctor's when she complained about her stomach for days and it didn't help the shock when the doctor told him she had died but sitting here now, at least he was grateful that she didn't suffer long. He couldn't even imagine watching her waste away, knowing that there was nothing he could do.

He nearly jumped out of his chair when he saw Clarke coming back. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she walked straight into him, wrapping her arms around his middle. Bellamy put his arms around her and she tucked her head under his chin.

"You okay?" he whispered into her hair and felt her nod lightly. "How's your mom?"

"Still out of it but mostly awake." Clarke extricated herself from his embrace with a sigh. "They're gonna keep her here overnight and then she agreed to go back to rehab."

Her voice was low and dispassionate and her eyes looked almost hollow. Bellamy rubbed her arms, knowing she must've been exhausted.

"You wanna go home?" he asked. Clarke wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater and nodded. Bellamy grabbed her bag from where she left in on the chair behind them and took her hand to lead her back to the car.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _  
**  
[ladies and gentlemen, BINGO!](https://carrieeve.tumblr.com/post/189630226395/carrieeve-i-guess-its-a-bear-we-all-gotta)  
**  
_

When they arrived at the house that Clarke directed him to, it was—a lot. A large, two-story building stood proudly in the middle of an extensive garden. A long, cobbled driveway led them to a mahogany double door with stained glass decoration that opened into a tall foyer and a double staircase.

"I know what you're thinking," Clarke said, coming up behind him.

"I was just gonna say that it's impressive," Bellamy answered and she snorted.

"It's _ex_cessive, Bell. It was too much when there were the three of us but now mom lives here alone, so it's become just a bottomless pit that we've been throwing most of our money into."

"Why don't you just sell it?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"Because I don't have any say in the matter, it belongs solely to my mother and she refuses to sell. It's been in her family for generations and mom keeps saying that it would reflect badly on the whole family is people heard that we couldn't afford to keep it anymore." She rolled her eyes. "Like anyone gives a shit about that. Like _we_ should give a shit about that."

Clarke closed the door behind them and looked back at Bellamy, who had her travel back hanging on his shoulder.

"Shit, you don't even have anything to wear," she said tiredly. Bellamy took a moment to register what was she talking about but then he looked down at himself and realised that she was right. They drove here straight from her apartment and he was still wearing his dress shirt and slacks.

"Don't worry about it," he said. "I should have my gym bag in the car, if you don't mind tank tops and basketball shorts?"

"You mean all that skin and muscle on display? However will I survive?" Clarke sighed dramatically and smiled at him for the first time since he stormed into her place that evening. And it may have been just a silly little joke but seeing her relax just a bit, Bellamy was able to breathe a little easier.

***

When Bellamy came out of the bathroom a while later, wearing his gym clothes and feeling unexpectedly glad that he remembered to do the laundry, the house was eerily quiet. There was only a row of wall sconces giving away a dim glow and leading a way down the corridor but if Clarke hadn’t shown him her bedroom before, he wouldn’t have been able to find his way there if he had the rest of time. It truly was an enormous house.

He went down to Clarke’s room but when he opened the door, she was nowhere to be found. Bellamy called out to her quietly and was stunned for a breath, when her muffled response came from a walk-in closet. Bellamy came in there and frowned when he saw blankets draped inside the small space—there was a moment, before he realised, with a smirk, that it was in fact a very impressive blanket fort.

Bellamy crawled inside and saw Clarke sitting in the corner, clutching a fluffy pink pillow against her chest, a big cup of tea standing by her feet.

“Nice fort,” he said, sitting down next to her. Clarke automatically put her head on his shoulder.

“My dad and I built it when I was 13 and I never took it down,” she explained in a far-away voice. “I had to keep all my clothes stuffed inside the drawers which was a pain but I loved it here so much…” she stopped with a sigh and went so quiet and still that if it wasn’t for her occasional shuddered breathe in, Bellamy would’ve suspected she fell asleep. But instead, he knew she was trying not to cry and it broke Bellamy’s heart that she still tried to stay strong.

"She's been drinking again," Clarke said suddenly and so quietly that he probably wouldn't even be able to hear it, if he wasn't sitting right next to her. "A little bit here and there, for weeks now. She said that she'd been doing so well so far and thought that he could control it, you know? But then Marcus, the guy she's been seeing, found out and they had a fight. He told her she needed to stop because that's exactly how it started before—just a little bit to relax after dinner. I think she believed they were broken up and couldn’t deal with it. I—I don’t even know where she got those drugs but she must’ve already had them on hand, it’s not like Polis has some booming criminal side where she could go on a short notice.”

Her voice wobbled at the end. Bellamy put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in.

“I’m gonna get my wish now, you know,” she said bitterly after a moment. “I talked to Marcus when you were in the shower. Mom’s got debts I never knew about, with her medical bills and another round of rehab, we’ll never dig our way from under all of that, if we don’t sell the house.”

Clarke took a deep breath and straightened, looking at Bellamy.

“It’s not like I want to do it,” she huffed and waved her hand, pointing around the blanket fort. “This has always been my home, too. And my dad’s. But it’s our only choice.”

“That’s an oxymoron, you know,” Bellamy said making her smile weakly. It disappeared as quickly as it appeared and he decided to try and cheer her up, just a little. Or at least distract her.

He took the tea cup from the floor and handed it to Clarke.

“Alright, we’re having a drinking game,” he said decidedly.

“With tea?!”

“Well, given the circumstances, I assume that Earl Grey is the strongest thing that you want in the house, so yeah.”

Clarke shook her head and chuckled.

“Okay, what are we playing, then?”

“Truth or dare,” he said with a grin. Clarke closed her eyes and breathed a laughter.

“Fine, fine. Me first, then. I take ‘dare’,” she said.

Bellamy measured her for a moment.

“Do five jumping jacks,” he finally decided. Clarke sent him an amused glance before crawling out of the fort to complete her task. She giggled the whole time doing it, which helped Bellamy’s shoulders to relax.

Clarke all but fell back into the fort, landing in Bellamy’s arms. He sat her gently on the floor but Clarke barely moved away from him. She was so close in fact, that he could see her eyes sparkle while thought of a dare for him next.

She made him spin around 10 times and then try to walk in a straight line, which landed him bumping against her desk. He made her hold her breath for 30 seconds in retaliation and the she told him to keep his eyes open for a minute.

“Can you still do a handstand?” he asked when his turn came again. Clarke shook her head, taking a sip of the tea to get out of the dare instead.

“How do you even remember that?” she asked incredulously. “We were _so drunk_ when I showed you that!”

He laughed at that.

“We sure were but come one, a half-naked girl does a handstand in your tent, that’s gonna leave a lasting impression,” Bellamy said. “I do not, however, remember _why_ did you do that.”

“You know, neither do I!” Clarke snickered. “I broke my wrist a couple of years ago, so I can’t do it anymore.”

“What happened?” Bellamy asked. Clarke gasped at him.

“It’s not your turn!” she exclaimed, slapping his knee gently. “But fine, you get a free pass. I was riding my bike and didn’t notice a curb until I'd already hit it. I put my arm out to catch myself but the bone snapped instead.”

Clarke showed him her outstretched right arm and there it was, on the inside of her wrist, a faint scar. Bellamy took her hand in his and ran his thumb over the scar.

“There’s a screw in there and everything,” Clarke said in a weak voice, looking at him with a blush rushing up her face. Bellamy could see her fingers close over her palm as he cradled her hand.

“My turn,” she finally said, quietly. Bellamy didn’t let her go of her hand. Clarke dared him to try and spin her old hoola-hoop but Bellamy took the tea from her and drank, still looking her in the eye. The air between them changed and he didn’t want to move away from her now or break the tension, and he could’ve sworn she didn’t really want that either.

“Truth,” Clarke said slowly, unprompted, when he put the cup down.

Bellamy rubbed his thumb over her wrist again.

“Why didn’t you want me to contact you after you left?” he asked. Clarke stilled.

“All you had to do was leave a note with a phone number or an e-mail address. But you didn’t.”

Clarke swallowed and looked down at her lap. She stayed quiet for so long that Bellamy was getting ready to backtrack but then, she looked up, her eyes shiny.

“It’s because I was scared,” she finally whispered. Her hand, still nestled in his, jerked lightly and Bellamy thought she wanted to take it away but when he loosened his grip and she didn’t move, he realised her hands were actually shaking. Bellamy took her other hand and covered them both with his.

Clarke took a deep breath.

“I missed you from the moment I sat down on the plane on my way home and finally had the chance to think about what was going on. And it terrified me. Because we never talked about what we were doing but all I wanted was to have you there with me.”

“And then, after dad died, I started thinking how he was home, safe, and yet he still died in such a random accident—and you were being shot at! I kept wanting to call you but every time I tried, I thought about all the horrible things that could happen to you and I just—I couldn’t handle it, couldn’t even think about losing you, too.” Clarke shook her head.

Bellamy sniffled when he took a deep breath and it made him notice that there were tears in his eyes, too.

“I know I didn’t handle us as well I should've but to be honest, I didn’t handle anything well back then. I hardly even worked for the next few months, it took me weeks to talk to Wells again and then when I finally did, I told him about you, it was the only thing I was able to talk about. He said I should call you but I was—I didn’t want to bother you with all that was happening.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy pleaded. It was gut-wrenching to listen to what she was going through while he cursed her for leaving without a word. But to think she actually believed that he wouldn’t have cared—

“I know, Bell,” she said, as if she read his mind. She freed one of her hands from his grip and moved it to cradle his cheek. “I know you wouldn’t have been bothered but I was—I wasn’t doing well then. My mother finally convinced me to go to therapy, which helped but it took a while. I wanted to find you, a lot, during that time. I figured, if I got in touch with my old supervisor, he might know what happened with your unit, or tell me who to ask – but I chickened out every time. Then, before I knew, a whole year had gone and I found out what all happened on the night of the accident. And you know what happened next.”

Clarke took her hand away from his cheek to wipe at her nose. She closed her eyes and hunched her shoulders. Bellamy pulled her in by the hand he was still holding and put her in a hug. He cradled the back of her head and placed a kiss on the side of her head.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair, though he couldn’t say what exactly he was sorry about. Digging into old wounds and making her feel even worse than she already did? All the awful things that had happened to her over the last six years? Not letting her know how he felt about her and making her feel that she shouldn’t come to him with her problems?

Or maybe never giving her the benefit of the doubt? Sure, he considered that something might have happened that made her leave but the whole time since then, he saw himself as the injured party. He should’ve fucking known better than assume that she wouldn't have the decency to explain herself if she only had the chance. But then, he didn’t always have the easiest time with realising his worth and believing that others care about him even half as much as he cared about them.

"Can I ask you something?" Clarke mumbled into his neck and lifted her head to look at his face. Bellamy nodded. "Why didn't you ask that earlier?"

Bellamy's breath hitched, even though he sort of expected the question. He took his time, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, his thumb brushing against her jaw.

"I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer." He let a heavy breath out through his nose. " I spent those six years thinking that you left without a word and you didn't want to keep in touch because we were never serious, or even actually together, so you just wanted a clean break. I guess it was easier than to face the fact that maybe you just didn't care enough to talk to me anymore."

"I did care, Bellamy," Clarke jumped in, raising to her knees. His hand fell from her face to her shoulder. Bellamy wrapped him fingers around the back of her neck and Clarke nuzzled lightly into the warmth.

"I know. It's not just that you told me what happened, but when we started to spend time together again, it almost felt like just picked up where we left off, so I figured, it doesn't matter what was then, not when we have the chance to try again."

"But it does matter, doesn't it?" Clarke glanced sideways, like she was scared to look him in the eye.

"Yeah," he agreed with a huff. "Back then, I was falling for you hard, so after you were gone, I felt wounded and I _was_ mad at you for leaving. It made me doubt everything I thought we had. So, yeah, it does matter because damn it, I've fallen for you again. And I know it shouldn't matter, not if we're starting over, but I needed to know it wasn't just me then."

Clarke looked back at him, her eyes blinking quickly, and she shuffled on her knees closer to him, resting her hands against his sternum, her fingers clutching lightly at his shirt.

"It wasn't," she rasped. "I fell for you so badly, it was wonderful and terrifying at the same time. And I had no idea how to handle that, so I just didn't. But I don't think I ever really stopped. All this time, that stupid little part of me couldn't stop thinking that I lost the love of my fricking life, forever."

Bellamy let out an involuntary bark of laughter. Clarke frowned at him and flopped down to sit on her heels. She muttered an embarrassed _right_ but Bellamy never gave her the chance to move all the way, he followed her with one hand on her knee and the other back around her neck. He stopped inches away from her face and if he wasn't so focused on her eyes, maybe he would've noticed how he was basically draped over her.

"Hey, hey, I'm not laughing _at_ you, I promise," he insisted but Clarke still looked unsure. Bellamy sent her what he hoped was a reassuring smile and she softened again, ever so slightly. "I just used to think that sometimes, too. When I let myself."

Clarke's eyebrows shot up.

"I loved you then and I love you now," Bellamy said definitely.

Clarke gasped but didn't say anything at first and Bellamy waited for the wave of doubt to come—that it was too quick, too much; that they barely even agreed they were still interested in each other and their one attempt to date ended up with him yelling and nearly ruining everything, but none of that came.

All he felt was this strange calm that came from knowing, always knowing, that for him, this was _it_. Clarke was who he wanted to have by his side for the rest of his life and no one else would ever compare.

"I love you, too," Clarke choked out, throwing herself into his arms. Bellamy didn't expect it and lost his balance, bringing them both down and onto the pillows they were sitting on. He wrapped her in a tight embrace and moved them slightly, so they were propped half-sitting against the wall. Clarke was shaking in his arms and with the wetness he felt in the crook of his neck, where her face was tucked into, he knew she was crying.

His first instincts told him that he should probably be concerned with how she wailed into his shoulder, struggling to take a breath, but with each passing moment, he felt tension leaving her body, making her more and more relaxed. After the day – and night that she had, he wasn't surprised that Clarke finally lost her composure and all but fell apart. He was just glad that when she did, she was safe within his embrace.

Minutes ticked by as Bellamy held Clarke, her cries slowly morphed into a quiet whimpers until finally, she calmed down. In the meantime, Bellamy managed to shift them around, so they were laying down, with Clarke nuzzled into his chest. At some point, Bellamy noticed that her breathing evened out and she was asleep. He settled down onto the pillows and blankets and tightened his arms around her.

He felt Clarke let out a deep sigh in her sleep and looking at her face—peaceful and relaxed, he was eventually able to drift off himself, holding the woman he loved.


	8. six months later

Octavia getting married had been making him choked up for the whole month leading up to the event but actually leading her down the aisle and watching her and Niylah exchange their vows brought tears to his eyes.

Bellamy couldn’t help himself and he had been stealing glances at Clarke throughout the whole ceremony, though. She let her hair grow back over the last few months and it was now braided into a crown around her head, with tiny flowers woven between the strands. She was wearing a knee-length light pink dress and she looked absolutely beautiful.

Even more so because as she caught his gaze and sent him a wide smile, she looked absolutely happy, too.

Those last six months hadn’t been easy for her, with the arrangements she had to make for her mother’s rehab and the selling of their house. But once they were no longer weighed down by debts and Marcus invited Abby to live with him after she completed her treatment, Bellamy could see that Clarke was doing much better, too. Gone were the bags from under her eyes, not just because she didn’t need to work so many extra shifts but also because she was able to sleep better. Her appetite was back and she was also finally able to move into a better neighbourhood. While her new place was still small and cramped, at least it meant that Bellamy could sleep easier at night as well, knowing she was safer—mainly because she had spent the last couple of months sleeping right by his side, at his place.

And not to toot his own horn, but Bellamy liked to think that he had something to do with her well-being.

When Clarke suggested that they should give their first date another chance, his first thought was to say there was no need. They sorted out their feelings, they loved each other and they agreed they were together. But then he remembered that when Clarke didn’t arrive last time, his first thought was to get pissed off and assume she ditched him and realised he still had some trust issues to work through. He agreed with her to keep taking things slow, especially after he figured out how much it meant to her to have that little ritual of setting up a date or the opportunity to take a step back from the ‘normal’ life and just enjoy the time they spent together.

And so, they put on fancy clothes and went on dinners or to the movies. Every once in a while, Clarke would find a gallery show, a concert or a new play for them to watch and for Bellamy, watching her excitement when she told him what she had planned was usually half the fun of the date itself.

He, on the other hand, made the conscious effort to trust that she wouldn’t leave him hanging again. When they woke up the morning after they arrived at Clarke’s home and she had the chance to digest everything that happened the day before, she started to apologise for not showing up for their date but Bellamy stopped her. This time, it was on both of them., he said. Because this time, he knew what was going on and that Clarke would drop everything to help her mother—he’d already seen her do it over the last few months.

Sure, she should’ve called him as soon as she knew that she wouldn’t come to the restaurant but he shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. No after all those times she made a point of calling him if she was going to be late even a little bit. And even if he was mad at her at first, it all evaporated the moment he saw how broken she looked when he came to her place. How could he blame her for not thinking of him first, when her world had just broken into pieces again?

Clarke wasn’t nearly as forgiving towards herself but finally, she agreed that a fresh start meant a clean slate for the both of them. And so, they took things slowly and carefully.

And it’d been—amazing. Bellamy’s never had so much fun dating anyone and he was ridiculously happy every night, when they said goodbye with a kiss and a whispered _I love you_. They’ve been going at this nice and relaxing pace until one night, Clarke invited him in afterwards and he stayed for the whole weekend.

Watching her now, as she danced with Harper and Emori, he was more sure than ever that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Octavia and Niylah had outdone themselves with the wedding and the reception—it was held in a recently restored country resort just outside Arkadia and thanks to months and months of legwork, they managed to organise the whole thing at a surprisingly reasonable cost. So much so, that they were able to afford a two-week-long honeymoon in a dripping-with-luxury hotel in Hawaii. In the end, they left the party at around midnight to catch their plane, but the party raged until the early hours of the morning. The sun was coming back up by the time the last stragglers finally gave in and decided to go to bed.

Bellamy promised his sister that we’d make sure everyone left the wedding hall and no sink had been ripped out of the wall, and Clarke decided to stay behind with him. Only she didn’t manage to stay awake for much longer and when he was finally done with the resort’s manager, Clarke had nodded off on an armchair in the foyer, with her hair coming in all directions out of her do, wearing his suit jacket, with her knees drawn up.

Bellamy came up to Clarke, crouched in front of her and put his hand on her thigh. She burrowed further into his jacket, making him smile. She looked so peaceful and cute, and he hated to wake her up but he hardly had another choice. He shook her leg gently until Clarke blinked her eyes open. Her gaze was still clouded with sleep but she sent him a small, content smile and put her hand over his.

“Come on, babe, we’re going home,” Bellamy said quietly. Clarke put her feet on the ground but instead of just getting up, she draped herself all over him, nearly toppling him to the floor. Bellamy held her firmly and helped them both up, Clarke’s arms still wrapped around him and even in her high heels, she had to stand on her tip toes. Bellamy looked at her sideway and groaned when he saw she had closed her eyes again and rested her cheek on his shoulder.

“Babe,” Bellamy prodded gently but she just smiled as he set her down firmly on her feet and unhooked her arms. Clarke grumbled and opened one eye with a grimace. Bellamy grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the exit.

When they got outside, the early morning chill seemed to have woken Clarke up a little bit, as she shuddered and pulled his jacket more tightly around his body. Bellamy pulled her into a sideways hug and let her towards the railing.

“Look up,” he whispered into her ear and jerked his shoulder to point her towards the horizon, where the sun was slowly rising, showering the treetops with pink-orange light. He felt her arms snaking around his waist and she tucked herself into his side.

She hummed lowly and Bellamy could feel the vibrations against his ribs.

“I don’t want to go home,” she mumbled into his chest. “I want to go _home_.”

“What?!” Bellamy chuckled. Clarke looked up at him, resting her chin on his pectoral. She was blinking slowly, her eyes still a little glazed over and Bellamy doubted even she understood what exactly she’d said. But she looked like she was trying to think hard about something, so he waited.

“I don’t wanna go to my home,” she finally said slowly and cleared her throat. She put her cheek back on his chest, tightening her arms around him. “I wanna go to our home. And I want to marry you, and have babies with you.”

Bellamy stiffened and all air escaped from his lungs, not quite believing what he was hearing.

“How tired are you?” he asked in a deliberately light voice but even to his ears, it sounded forced. He tried very hard not to get his hopes up.

“Quite a lot,” Clarke answered and he could hear a smile in her voice. “And a little drunk, too.”

Bellamy swallowed hard and loosened his grip on her when he felt her step away, so could look him in the eye. Clarke took his hand.

“But I’m still gonna want that in the morning, I promise. Probably even more, seeing how I’ve wanted it more and more with each day.”

“It’s already morning,” Bellamy said dumbly. Clarke cocked her head to the side and sent him an exasperated look.

“Bellamy,” she huffed and he could see she was getting a little nervous. Bellamy stepped closer and put his arm around her and splayed his hand onto the small of her back, hoping it would reassure her.

Clarke took a breath.

“I know we’ve only been together for six months but I have loved you for seven years,” she said, her face now more serious. “We’ve wasted so much time, though, because I was too scared to tell you how I felt. I don’t want to do that again, so here I go—I love you and I want you, for the rest of my life.”

Bellamy surged in for a kiss. He felt Clarke’s gasp against his lips and she opened up to let him in, letting go of his hand and wrapping both of hers around his neck, running her fingers through his hair. She pressed herself closer, moulding her body against his, deepening the kiss until they both ran out of air.

“I have a ring for you,” Bellamy blurted when his breathing went back to normal and he saw her eyebrows shoot up.

“It was my mom’s. Dad gave it to her when I was born and they never got married but even after he died, she never sold it. And she gave it to me one day, saying that it always reminded her how much they loved each other.” Bellamy was aware that he was rambling but Clarke stayed quiet, just listened to him with a smile and a blush on her cheeks.

Bellamy dropped his head onto her shoulder.

“I love you so much,” he said into her neck. Clarke brushed her fingers through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp, which practically made him purr.

He straightened up and put his hand on her cheek.

“Move in with me,” he said and Clarke nodded eagerly with a grin. She pecked him gently on the lips.

“And then we can go about that marrying thing,” Bellamy added with a toothy grin. “Not to mention the baby-making.”

Clarke let out a loud laugh and all but jumped into his arms, chuckling into his collar.

Bellamy closed his arms around her and couldn’t help but think how not so long ago, all he wanted from Clarke was closure. But frankly, that was bullshit—he wanted _her_ and now, even with the occasional surge of worry that it was simply too good to be true, he was finally truly happy.

Ridiculously happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that's all she wrote. thank you so much for reading, guys! i'm so grateful for all your support <3
> 
> also, you know, **[BINGO!](https://carrieeve.tumblr.com/post/189630226395/carrieeve-i-guess-its-a-bear-we-all-gotta)**

**Author's Note:**

> ...to be continued!
> 
> thank you for reading and i hope you stay for the rest! and come visit me on tumblr @[carrieeve](https://carrieeve.tumblr.com)!


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